Jane LoudermilkUndersecretary of Superheroics
The Bureau of Superheroics fully supports
the Government's NARY A YOUNGSTER
LEFT BEHIND ACT and encourages all who qualify to
consider participating in the
program.
The NARY A YOUNGSTER LEFT BEHIND ACT is a
federal program to place orphans,
urchins, waifs, and strays under the mentorship
of bachelor millionaires, billionaires, and visiting
royalty
who are also, secretly, costumed crimefighters.
On hand for the enactment ceremony were millionaire
Jordan Silver
and his ward Jimmy, billionaire Jack Osmium and
his protégé Johnny, and Prince Jules of
Ruthenia and his page
Jhosh. Also present were a handful of Government
employees, including Dr. Jane Loudermilk,
Undersecretary of
Superheroics.
NYLB is based on the truth, scientifically proven, that every child, and especially any one without parents, has four aspirations--to be rich; to be able to stay up late; to have cool toys; and not to have to go to school--all of which can be accommodated by the wealthy vigilante adults of society who take in neglected youngsters under the Government's program.
But the kids aren't the only ones who reap
benefits under the Act: Adopting bachelors are granted
significant tax
favors, ensuring that the wealthy one-percenters
who participate will remain wealthy enough to keep a
hungry mouth fed and
comfortably clad in tights.
The Bureau of Superheroics has been entrusted with the principal authority to identify all miserable, wretched, abandoned youth and to pair up each lad or lass eager to start a new life with an eligible adult parent-figure. Thanks to a nationwide advertising campaign on television, on radio, and in the back pages of comic books, thousands of chipper children have signed up to date. Unfortunately, only mere hundreds of father figures have come forward to assume a charge. From Metrotopolis to Centertopia, countless needy kids still need to be taken off the dangerous streets and placed safely in stately mansions, where they need fear nothing more than occasionally being kidnapped and dandivgled above a tank full of sharks or scorpions until ransomed or rescued. Won't you please help?