The Government: Bureau of Superheroics

The Government Manual for New Superheroes

The publication of The Government Manual for New Superheroes (and the advertising thereof) is one of the most important tasks entrusted to the Bureau of Superheroics. By providing simple, practical advice on everything from building a secret headquarters to finding an archnemesis, The Government Manual for New Superheroes has helped shape a society in which 3 out of every 4 citizens has a secret crimefighting persona. In fact, experts estimate that if the skintight uniforms of every hero whose career was launched by The Government Manual were sewn together, they could wrap up the entire earth, three times over. (Indeed, this very scheme was attempted by the nefarious Count Christo, only to be foiled at the last moment by The Art Critic.)

The latest edition is now in a bookstore near you, unless your local bookstore owner is secretly a nefarious supervillain who wishes to ensure that the local superhero community remains in abject ignorance. If so, the book may also be ordered from Amazon.com.

Previous Editions

As times have changed, The Government Manual for New Superheroes has changed with them. Below, a brief timeline of some of the most significant emendations of the work:

* First Edition, 1930: Includes chapter on "Fighting Crime on 5¢ a Day." Readers are warned that "a speakeasy may make a suitable locale for a villain's hidden den of iniquity, but it is no place for the decent hero to locate his secret headquarters."

* Third Edition, 1943: Reference to "the famed Bavarian hero The Teutonic Titwillow" replaced with "the notorious Kraut villain The Teutonic Titwillow, who was so recently defeated by the mighty Lenin's Ghost."

* Eighth Edition, 1954: Reference changed to "the famed West German hero The Teutonic Titwillow, who so recently won a long-awaited rematch with the dirty pinko villain Lenin's Ghost."

* Fifteenth Edition, 1963: 3-page appendix entitled "Crimefighting for Ladies" deleted (sample sentence: "Remember, gals, the best way to help your man capture the baddies is to make sure he's not doing it on an empty stomach!"). Gender-neutral language introduced throughout.

* Nineteenth edition, 1967: First (and last) edition to include a forward by The Merry Prankster, who advises readers to "tune in, suit up, and drop out." Chapter on finding an arch-nemesis advises readers "to focus upon the enemy who hates what you love and who seeks to destroy what you have vowed to protect, or who, like, totally harshes your mellow." This edition--along with then-Undersecretary Leary--are gone within a week. Today, it sells for up to $3,000 on eBay.

* Twenty-third edition, 2005: Newly revised and corrected by the leading super-experts in the field, the latest edition of the book now reflects the most accurate and up-to-date research on the best methods of recruiting a sidekick, joining a team, and making sure your tattered cape will flap dramatically behind you as you stand silhouetted against the setting sun and reflect upon the epic battle you have just won. The book has been enthusiastically reviewed by all but the most villainous of readers.