Testimony of the Undersecretary

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT OF THE SELECT SUBCOMMITTEE ON SUPERHEROICS, AUGUST 11, 2005.

CONGRESSMAN ARTHUR BARNES (L-New York): Undersecretary Loudermilk, I'd first like to thank you for taking time from your busy schedule to speak with us today.

UNDERSECRETARY JANE LOUDERMILK: My pleasure.

CONGRESSMAN BARNES: Could you please tell the committee your position on Resolution L?

UNDERSECRETARY LOUDERMILK: Congressman Barnes, distinguished members of the committee, it is my belief that Resolution L would be disastrous to our society's vital costumed crimefighting sector. A tax on blinking lights might seem harmless to ordinary citizens, who use them only once a year to commemorate the religious observance of their choice-- but to a costumed crimefighter, the blinking light is the most important component of the super-computer, which is itself a vital part of any secret headquarters.

CONGRESSMAN ROGER PARCHMENT (P-Wisconsin): Come on, Undersecretary Loudermilk. Aren't all you superheroes secretly millionaire industrialists? What's a few pennies here and there?

UNDERSECRETARY LOUDERMILK: Well, first, the distinguished gentleman surely didn't mean to imply that I am a superhero. I'm a mild-mannered Government Undersecretary.

CONGRESSMAN PARCHMENT: Fine, fine. All those superheroes.

UNDERSECRETARY LOUDERMILK: No, that's a common myth. Superheroes can be mild-mannered reporters, or chipper orphans, or the sole surviving gods of ancient pantheons. In short, they're just ordinary citizens of this great country. Many of them have already made considerable sacrifices--both personal and financial--to take on the mantle of the costumed crimefighter. They simply can't afford additional burdens, and given that a single super-computer can have thousands of blinking lights, even a penny-a-light tax can add up.

CONGRESSMAN BARNES: We're very sympathetic to the needs of the working superhero, Undersecretary Loudermilk. But there is an environmental impact to all those constantly blinking lights.

UNDERSECRETARY LOUDERMILK: True. But remember, if untaxed blinking lights are outlawed, only outlaws will have untaxed blinking lights. Recall the recent incident in which the villainous Big Cheese attempted to cause a meltdown at the Capital City reactor--a plot that was foiled by The Cow Tipper. As some of you might know, The Cow Tipper has occasionally been seen stopping by my office for a chat, despite my very public opposition to her vigilante activities. Well, I have it on good authority that The Cow Tipper's supercomputer was vital in deciphering Big Cheese's cryptic clues. Remember that the Tipper stopped the rennet-based wrongdoer's gigantic gouda grenade with only seconds to spare. Reducing the cow-computer's power by even a single blinking light might have cost the Tipper those few precious seconds, resulting in an environmental disaster that would far outweigh the energy conservation benefits of Resolution L. That's not a trade-off we can afford to make.

CONGRESSMAN PARCHMENT: Since you brought up The Cow Tipper, Undersecretary, I wanted to mention that I've been looking through past records of your testimony, and I've noticed that you've been very careful in your phrasing any time the subject of the cow-pushing crusader arises.

UNDERSECRETARY LOUDERMILK: I'm not sure what you're implying, Congressman Parchment. Lying to this committee would be contempt of Congress. As somebody who has sworn to uphold justice--in my role as Undersecretary of Superheroics, I mean--I would never be guilty of such a crime.

CONGRESSMAN PARCHMENT: Well, exactly. And that's why it's so interesting that every statement you've made about The Cow Tipper would be technically true whether or not you are The Cow Tipper. Now, as you know, The Cow Tipper's actions have caused a great deal of expense and inconvenience to Mammoth Dairies, a perfectly law-abiding company located in the great state of Wisconsin, and her secret identity is therefore of great interest to me. And I would therefore like to ask you, once and for all, to explicitly state that you are not The Cow Tipper.

UNDERSECRETARY LOUDERMILK: I think most people would find it very hard to believe that a busy Government Undersecretary has time to be a costumed crimefighter.

CONGRESSMAN PARCHMENT: See! You did it again! You made a statement that is technically true either way! Jane Loudermilk, are you or are you not The Cow Tipper?

UNDERSECRETARY LOUDERMILK: Let me put this as plainly and simply as I can. The job description of the Undersecretary of Superheroics does not in any way include donning skintight spandex and roaming the rooftops in search of crime.

CONGRESSMAN PARCHMENT: Very clever, but I didn't ask you about the job description. I asked you about you. Now, I'm going to ask you one more time, and if you don't answer my question--even if whatever you say is technically true--then God help me, I am going to cite you for contempt of Congress. Jane Loudermilk, are you or--

CONGRESSMAN BARNES: If I could just interrupt my distinguished colleague here, I wanted to emphasize the fact that he is actually asking on behalf of this entire committee.

CONGRESSMAN PARCHMENT: Thank you. Now, Dr. Loudermilk--

CONGRESSMAN BARNES: Because all of us oppose the vigilante activities of The Cow Tipper.

CONGRESSMAN PARCHMENT: Yes, yes. Now--

CONGRESSMAN BARNES: Admittedly, The Cow Tipper has occasionally performed acts of heroism that have made me wonder if perhaps The International Bugle is being entirely fair when it brands her a menace. For example, only last month, at my daughter's debutante ball, a suspicious explosion tore through the ballroom. In the ensuing chaos, nobody noticed that my daughter was directly below a chandelier that had become dangerously untethered--nobody, that is, but The Cow Tipper, who appeared out of nowhere and pushed my beloved Becky to safety. But of course, Undersecretary Loudermilk, you know all this, since you were a guest at the ball.

UNDERSECRETARY LOUDERMILK: Yes, although unfortunately, I didn't get the chance to watch The Cow Tipper in action. I suffer from bad hangnails, which frequently force me to be locked in the ladies' room with a nail clipper when excitement is occurring elsewhere.

CONGRESSMAN PARCHMENT: You see? She did it again. She didn't say she was in the ladies' room on that particular--

CONGRESSMAN BARNES: Yes, Congressman, that's a good point, and I'm sure it's one the Undersecretary will address, just as soon as I finish observing that, although the newspapers the next day implied that it was The Cow Tipper herself who planted the bomb, I couldn't help wondering if perhaps the true wrongdoer was somebody else--perhaps the very same villain, still at large, who murdered my late wife nearly a decade ago, starting me on a lifelong crusade to protect the innocent. But of course, I've carried out that crusade first as a district attorney and, now as a Congressman, and we're supposed to be discussing superheroes instead of mild-mannered elected officials. So, Undersecretary Loudermilk, are you or are you not The Cow Tipper?

UNDERSECRETARY LOUDERMILK: Congressman Barnes, Congressman Parchment, distinguished members of the committee, under penalty of Contempt of Congress, I hereby admit to you that--

CONGRESSMAN BARNES: Oh, will you look at that? With all my blabbering away, it's now 3 o'clock, which means that this hearing is officially over, and anything the Undersecretary might tell us would no longer be testimony but would instead be conversation among private citizens, which is not subject to any legal penalties whatsoever. But I'm sure that won't change what she has to say. Please, continue.

UNDERSECRETARY LOUDERMILK: --I hereby admit to you that I am equally confused as to whether The Cow Tipper is a hero or villain, but I know one thing: I am not she.

CONGRESSMAN BARNES: Well, that settles that.

CONGRESSMAN PARCHMENT: No! It most decidedly does not! We need to reconvene the committee and--

CONGRESSMAN BARNES: Sorry, no time. I have to go plan the massive party I'm throwing at the top of the Statue of Liberty for my daughter's upcoming birthday. Oh, speaking of which, Undersecretary Loudermilk, if you don't have plans for that evening, I was wondering if you'd do me the honor of--

TRANSCRIPT ENDS.